Long Term Investment

Blog December 1st 2014

I cannot believe how fast the time is slipping out of my hands. To think that I have been back for as long as I was home completely blows my mind. To think of the impact this community has left on my heart. To recognize what the Lord is doing in my life is more than I can even begin to describe. December. A  month of celebration to the goodness of God for sending his only send to die for us. What a huge blessing and a weight that can only be described in one word: selfless.

These last two weeks have been incredibly challenging. The feeling of defeat has crossed my mind several times. Just feeling like I am not useful here or that I am just feeling like the fringe at the end of your favorite shirt. It is a feeling of discouragement.

At the same exact time as we were sitting in the van on our way home from church yesterday.  I was challenged by some of the girls to think about what it is going to be like to return home. That some day at some point I am going to have to say goodbye to this family. At this point I really don’t know how I could ever say goodbye to this community-  I am way too invested at this point and there is no turning back now. I love that I can walk down the red dirt (having not bathed for two or three days so literally looking like a Ugandan) road and be greeted from afar and just visit people homes and invest in lives.      I know I say that phrase a lot…”invest in peoples’ lives”

But really there is no better way to explain it. One of the most valuable things you can give to someone is time.  Interrupted only by other children and village people walking through to greet you.

I don’t know if I will ever be ready to leave.

2 Timothy 1:7English Standard Version (ESV) “ for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

I don’t know why God has given me a love for an age category that I completely did not enjoy. But I LOVE THE YOUTH. I am pretty sure that I spend more time with the youth than I do any other age category here. This weekend we had a youth conference in the village and had over 200 youth in attendance. It was a huge answer to prayer. This is the same youth conference that we had planned for in September but was postponed due to Tonny’s passing. Porsche and I really struggled with this event and there were several times we were just ready to give up but felt like God kept showing up and giving us the phrase ‘fill us up and send us out’ so we had three guest speakers We ended up going out one night earlier than the rest of the team because apparently you have to cook the beans a night before this which we didn’t know. So Porsche, Alex (Village best friend), and I went out there about 5 pm on a rainy afternoon. After one of the longest days ever. We had to take a boda ride a ½ hour into the village because the taxis stop at the town. It was dark by this point not a light to be seen except that od the other bodas and some candles in the town area. We hopped on a boda and the big machines had been working on the roads there was mud EVERYWHERE. Porsche and Tim at one point even fell off because the boda could not make it through the mud. During the freezing cold ride I looked up and saw what was one of the most beautiful nights that I had ever seen. After arriving in the village Porsche had and tim had a meeting and so I had to go with Alex to find water…in the dark. After getting everything situated we realized we didn’t have any firewood and it was late in the night and there was nothing to be done. Needless to say I was done with that day. The four of us prayed that the Lord would protect our hearts from being defeated. The following day.  Food. Games. Worship. And an abundance of God’s goodness. We had one young girl named Sophia give her life to Christ and Porsche and I got to walk her through those steps and praise the Lord for her life at the end of the service.

I have no idea what to write about right now.... How is it that I have so much going on in this life of mine but I have nothing and everything to say.

Giving… Something we absolutely take for granted sometimes. This week we got to spend time as a time as a team and share what we are thankful for. It was a beautiful evening full of so many different cultures: from Uganda, to the UK, to Korea. All different people being able to participate in a special day and just enjoy time in conversation and fellowship that is different to anything else we do here. Thanksgiving. We had a turkey that was only a bit smaller than a chicken, lots of good food though. Homemade stuffing, jello, and even pumpkin roll- that one was a first for me but I will definitely be carrying it to the rest of my Thanksgiving meals. We had the opportunity to share thanksgiving with some of our favorite kiddos from the village. They were so confused why we would make SOO much food on one day but they enjoyed it so much. Not only did they get to experience that but we got to go to the cinema and get ice cream for the very first time. You really take those first moments and experiences for granted and don’t realize how important they are. ;)

As the holidays approaches and people begin to return home I was hit with the feeling of an emotion that I don’t want to lose. There is always a constant flow of people here in and out of the organization for long periods and some for just a short two weeks. As I build these relationships I think to myself ‘Am I becoming callused to the emotion of loving someone completely and accepting them for just who they are?’ As I laid in bed one night battling with that subject I felt a sense of encouragement come over me. That the answer to my question was a BIG no. Not only does God provide for those moments and each relationship, but He has been preparing me for this for my entire life. I think back from when I was seven and we had our first foster child move into our house. That I would have to share my home, my parents, and worst of all my toys… J But not only was I so excited to have a temporary sister I was always more excited to see them go on to a better and bigger situation. Not realizing then that he was getting me ready for a greater task at hand loving these volunteers and being used by God to encourage them as they are in a transition period of their lives in most cases. One of the most beautiful parts of being a volunteer coordinator is being there through every stage. Watching these young people come and learn so much about Christ. Not having any clues what is next for them. Almost all of the volunteers I have seen come through have some plan that has come together since being here.

Today was a surreal day. I went through all of my suitcases and re packed them with the things that I am going to be taking home. Just to think next time this week I will be waking up in my own bed and writing a blog from the other side of the world. Excited to be used as a vessel for Christ. If any of you know any volunteer work that I could be involved in please let me know! I am really hoping to make it to the cancer ward at children’s in Seattle. So ready to share what God is doing in my life!

One week. ☆

Pain

1   .  Pain

[ peɪn ]

noun

noun: pain · plural noun: pains

1.    1.  highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury:

2.     2. is an unpleasant feeling (a suffering) of a psychological, non-physical, origin

I want to share my heart, which I tend to do quite often. Sometimes the words I type on this page are just a handful of letters grouped together to provide you with how I am feeling. I am not sure really to explain these things I get to experience here and I am not sure how to explain Gods goodness here either.

I want to share a story about young girl whose heart has been broken beyond earthly repair. (I have omitted her name for her sake) This girl has trusted me with so much of her memories and I want to help her carry this burden. When she was 13 years old. She was walking in the night with one of her close friends and they came across a handful of boys who confronted the girls about supposed money they had stolen. The girls did not know any of the boys. They grabbed the girls arms and took them into the moonlit night. They told the girls to undress and one of the young girls managed to escape in this time. […] was raped that night and her confidence completely destroyed. As the boy finished he looked her in the eyes and asked her if she knew he was. She responded no. As they ran into the darkness, she ran as fast as she could and found her way to the nearest school and found shelter from a young boy just until the sun came out. She doesn’t remember anything about that boy except the kindness he showed her that night. She shared this with me one night sitting in our living room and we both cried. She is one of the most beautiful girls I have ever met both inside and out. She told me that she does not feel beautiful and that I shouldn’t tell her that she is. Because she knows shes not. I have been spending a lot of time at the court and giving emotional and spiritual support to the best of my knowledge.

Not only did this boy take away her dignity but he stole a piece of her that she will never be able to get back. She is so beautiful.

How can you listen to someone who has gone through something that traumatic and walk away and do nothing.  I don’t want to be dramatic in any way but my heart is so heavy for this girl who will never have the same opportunity to have self confidence in herself that she would have had before.

Recently I read an article about being a missionary right where you are. The author of the blog really stressed that we have a responsibility to reach out and stay put where God has placed us. For those of you who do not get the opportunity to experience long term missions across the globe. I can totally understand that view point and how it is pivotal to let God use you wherever he leads you (or keeps you for that matter). Being on this end can sometimes get a bad rap. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have heard the phrase, “Do you know that God can use you in Port orchard?” or “Everybody goes to Africa, why don’t you pick a continent in need -that doesn’t have relief” But I am here to tell you that God is using me in Port Orchard in the same big way that he is using me here in Uganda. AND that both Uganda and Port Orchard need the same Jesus. J I know that Gods timing is completely perfect. Many of you know that I had full intentions of graduating high school and heading off to Grand Canyon University and getting a nursing degree and changing the medical field one patient at a time. What I didn’t realize is that was my plan and not His. 

     

     I would never have chosen to share a room (As I shared all during my childhood), sleep on a mosquito netted bunk bed, and live in a ministry home 24/7 (Been there. Done that. being a “PK”). But at this point I can honestly say that I wouldn’t be anywhere else. From the moment I landed back on this place I call home- I have been given opportunity after opportunity to love in ways that I would have never expected. EVER. Between loving Tonny and spending everyday in the hospital to putting all my effort into this court case- I have been so blessed. I know that phrase is overused. But we need to realize that the Lord sometimes blesses us in small ways to and it is our responsibility to watch out for them and keep them in our mind for the times that are hard or when we are struggling with knowing what He wants us to do next.

     I have always struggled with the Jr. High age. Even when I was in that stage I struggled with myself! I didn’t know who I was. I was finding out who God was to me. Like every other Jr. Higher I tested the line. Since being here my heart has changed and I have seen God use this age category to grab my attention and teach me how to love unconditionally. I have received many letters and emails from young girls from home asking questions or just encouraging me about being here and they have become a huge source of help in times I am feeling discouraged. Three teenagers that have changed my life in a way that I cannot even put to words. I love that I can be sitting in my room and get called out from the hallway and it will be Edgar (The 15 year old sponsored kiddo that lives with us) to tell me about his day at school or to spend time studying for exams or he will come home from visiting his mom with photos or a sweet message for her.  The input I have been able to give is enough to fill my heart for the rest of my life. It has left me with challenging others- Even though you don’t live in Africa. Go out. Reach out to the youth around you. Be a positive role model in their lives. Take them out to eat. And challenge them. If we each took the time to mentor someone who is one step behind- imagine the impact we could have. Or even just time to reach out to our communities.

       This week I got to watch somebody experience pain like I have never seen before. It looked almost as if she was being tortured. Porsche, my sweet friend from the UK, who is volunteering until next November had a tooth ache. She knew her wisdom teeth were coming in. We went to this small office that consisted of one dental chair because you know. TIA (This Is AFRICA). What should have been a 30 minute tooth extraction turned into a 3 ½ hour molar and wisdom tooth extraction. Needless to say….I love the dentist in the west now. I hope to never have to endure that pain. The power was out in the office so they had to take it out without a drill. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain that she felt. Several times she would clench her fists and kick her legs. At one point I was praying for her and I was going to put my hand on her leg but I was too nervous I was going to get kicked. Halfway through she called me into the room to ask what she thought I should do all I could say was to keep going. After both teeth had been extracted she just cried. (I know I am allowed to tell you all of this because she posted it on her blog too: http://somuchmore2.wordpress.com/ )

What does the bible say about pain?

It appears over 70 times.

In some ways pain is a good thing. Believe it or not. If a young child never felt the burn from a hot stove or the pain we feel when we step on a lego (you all know what I am talking about)- we would never know that we should keep from doing those things because they can cause long term problems like a bad burn or just uncontrollable anger for the lego/ breaking your ankle from just the pure shock. James talks about considering it pure joy when we encounter various trials.

Job becomes closer to God. We become more mature. It helps us become more refined (Isaiah 48:10). It teaches how to show compassion and to comfort one another during their times of pain.

Revelation 21:4English Standard Version (ESV)

⁴ He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.”

I don’t know what God is trying to prepare me for. I don’t know what my future holds. I don’t know what he even has in mind for me while I am here in its entirety. All I am sure of that he wants to use me every day in each of the communities we go to. In every conversation I have. I want to learn from the pain I go through and I want to use it to help others. <3

Brutal Honesty

I'm going to just take a moment to be brutally honest.

Maybe I should use different words.

Those pretty much make the most sense though. I want to put all of the dirt on the table and you can see for yourself...

...that sometimes this is hard.

Even though the blessings that the Lord provides for me to encounter- everyday- out weigh the bad moments. There are still a lot of things that come up that are not so amazing about this life.

I still live on earth. And I still work with humans. Humans that have grown up in a completely different culture than me. That makes our conflicts twice as interesting as yours. I guarantee it.

I am going to tell you the truth in this post.

1. Using a mosquito net is like making the decision to shave your legs. 

While you have all the intention of following through and doing it every day- there are just some days that you don't get around to it. And that's ok.

2. Not every project we do is absolutley incredible and life changing.

Sometimes I have to do things I don't want to do. Whether it's laundry that has been pooped in or thrown up on, or sharing with a group of kids in a hot room that are all giggling.

3. A boda - boda (motorcycle) just goes so much faster sometimes...and so much cleaner than taxis.

Mom, you should probably cover your eyes for this one. When you know the traffic is going to be bad and it will take you two hours to get somewhere 15 minutes away. You are willing to take that risk. That is until you get stuck in between two cars and my knees are hitting against people's doors. It's one of those "seemed like a good idea at the time" kind of expirience. Taxis smell gross here. There have been many times i have rode in one with the seats unscrewed from the floor and a chicken flapping around.

4. Rice and beans. Peas. Potato.

Usually before lunch we will all guess what we are having for lunch and there are many times it's rice and beans. Sometimes it's a mountain of peas. It's hard to eat the same meal all the time. Think of everything you can make with potatoes and that's what we make. Carb loading every meal. (That's why I brought a suitcase full of snacks)

5. "Cultural sensitivity" aka MZUNGU

No matter where you go here....you will be called mzungu. Because you are white. I have learned the equivalent word in Luganda which happens to be MDUGAVU. Sometimes when I am done hearing the phrase 'marry me mzungu' I will say a phrase back using the equivalent word. :)

6. Lifesaver vs. Power

Your fan is your best friend until the power goes out. Which seems to happen when it is hottest. Sometimes I will literally be preparing to skype home or watch a movie and the power just stops. It doesn't care what plans you have previously made. It just shuts off. That's when you start to look around at your house mates and pull out your creativity. Most of the time it's after it is dark as well.

7. Repetition.  What?

Some words we say in the states are not so much the same here. We have lots of phrases which I use in my sarcasm that just don't add up to some people here. I constantly find myself repeating comments over and over again and then just giving up. You don't say What unless you want to fight. You say yes please?

8. Chicken, turkeys, children....

These are the three culprits that wake me up at the crack of dawn. Not a morning goes by that I don't hear the gobble of the neighbors (all 10 of the turkeys) that live next door. They also have a dog named Simba. Everytime we walk through their yard to get to the local grocery store. Especially when it is dark outside. Simba likes to pretend that he doesn't know us and barks like he is going to attack us. Gives us a mini heart attack every time.

9. Time.

Nothing seems to ever happen on time. It is just Ugandan culture. That everything has its own season. For our bible study for example.  We have an arrival time of 5:30 meaning people leave their house at 6:00 and arrive a half hour after leaving their house.

10. The future that holds the unknown. 

As we work to achieve so many goals and as the ministry grows and we continue to see things change. There is still so much unknown. So many things that I am uncertain of. It's exciting and frustrating to not know what tomorrow looks like.

These are just a few of the things that I struggle with being here. God is so faithful to bring us to and through anything. I would not trade this life for anything in the whole wide world. I will eat rice and beans for the rest of my life if it means serving God in whatever capacity possible. Often times we challenge God that to fulfill something in our lives before we are willing to surrender and serve him whole heartedly. Thankful to be where I am and serve in one of the most beautiful places I have ever been.

Philippians 2:14-18 ESV

Do all things without grumbling or disputing, that you may be blameless and innocent, children of God without blemish in the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among whom you shine as lights in the world, holding fast to the word of life, so that in the day of Christ I may be proud that I did not run in vain or labor in vain. Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith, I am glad and rejoice with you all. Likewise you also should be glad and rejoice with me.

Rejoicing in the fact that my saviour chose me to spend my days in a place I never thought I could go. Giving me an opportunity to reach so much farther than I could have dreamed. And loving deeper than anything I have ever known. Even in the midst of failure I will serve the Lord.

These are just some of my 2 am thoughts. Thanks for listening. ♡

The city of 1,000 hills

God has given me so many things to fill my time in the last few weeks that I am not sure even where to start. The week after Tonny passed away was hard. Emotional. I can say that I had really hi moments and then would just hit a wall and cry. Every once in a while it hits me. Sometimes in the weirdest of places. It still gets me everyonce in a while. BUT I am more happy than sad now. I am so thankful that I got to love him so much. I would love to see his name live on and just see people be made aware of child cancer and encourage a healthy living environment. Firstly I want to start and i<3Tonny foundation. I am not sure what that entails. Stay tuned though. You won’t want to miss this. I want to see clean running water come to his village and then I want to see things just grow from there.
The week was filled with several school visits. We went to two separate primary schools- some that I had never visited before. We got to lead praise and worship, scripture, and a fun game. We also brought a soccer ball as a gift to share with the school. We tried to teach them how to play freeze tag there were probably 175 kids (I am horrible at guestimating and anyone here could tell you that was probably the actual number) that’s what it felt like to me. This is the same school that Tonnys’s younger brother, Kenneth, attends. We got to see him and give him some love. As we drove away the kids ran…I mean RAN after the van. For a long time. Waving and saying goodbye to the mzungus.
I got to go to court this week. It was very interesting. I have never sat in on trial. Not even in the states. It was very interesting. All the criminals were just seated on the benches right next to us. No hand cuffs or anything. Just a couple guards sitting with them. It was a simple day and the air rustled was so soft and quiet. There were so many people there and yet it was so quiet.
Saturday we got to visit Christines home…finally. It was adorable and I would LOVE  to get a place just like it or maybe even the one right next to it if I end up staying longer than two years. We just spent time fellowshipping together and enjoying eachothers company. She made a us a huge lunch and she knows all of my favorites so it is easy to say that I was totally STUFFED! We went to Watoto in the evening and heard a beautiful message on loving your country and just having pride for the place that God has allowed you to live. I love church. I always leave feeling completely encouraged and blessed. Just reenergized for the week.
We have had a lot of office days in these past couple of weeks. We just had a 2015 budget day and went through month by month and got to be a part of all the planning and implementing ideas for next year. Lets just say it was a long day. J
 Rwanda 2014
Thursday evening we hopped on a bus around 4:30 pm and away we went. We got to sit in the seats right behind the driver. it was awesome. We had lots of snacks and we were ready to go. Porsche, Victor, and myself went. I was so nervous to make it to the boarder I am always nervous they are going to kick me out of the country and never invite me to return again. I was anticipating it the whole way. When we got to the boarder I realized I had left my jacket at home—it was FREEZING. There is an exit office and then you have to walk like a ½ mile in the cold to the entrance to Rwanda office. It is super dark outside and people that are trying to get your attention and to get you to exchange your money (and probably cheating you). I thought this was weird they have people that sit along the way and just make sure that you  are going where you are supposed to. One group of guys saw that we were taking in a couple grocery sacks that were carrying our snacks and things. They made us throw them away and buy paper bags. Rwanda doesn’t allow plastic bag into their country. They have two reasons: they think it clutters the streets and they want to be more environmentally responsible. Good for them. Just thought that was a strange thing that we couldn’t bring them across the border. When we got to the entrance office we had to go over to a doctor and get our temperature taken just to make sure that we didn’t have Ebola or a temperature of any kind. I was cleared in case you are wondering. I always try to be overly friendly so they don’t take too much time staring at my passport and considering throwing me out of the country. I don’t know why the immigration office intimidates me so much. After Porsche and I went through the line the guys asked Victor how he could get one of us. This after the fact that he asked me if I was in high school. Total creep. He also asked me what I was doing in Africa and why I didn’t miss my home and my family.  After the boarder we started making our way into the city of a thousand hills….that is not even an exaggeration. Some very windy roads. I thought I might be sick. We made it to the bus park about half past two in the morning.  As everyone quickly grabbed their things and exited the bus I looked at Porsche and Victor. We all exchanged the same look. Where on earth are we going to go this early in the morning? Somehow we had the intention of arriving at about half past six in the morning which was obviously not the case. As one of the last conductors was getting ready to leave the bus and he looked at us and said you Mzungus should just stay on the bus because if you get off the will take you. That was enough for me. So we curled up with our bags underneath our arms and fell asleep several times in the night I heard people knocking on the door and trying to open it but it had been locked. I totally freaked myself out! Before our bus set off in Kampala they opened with a word of prayer. This is something that you would NEVER hear in the states. Starting a journey by praying together. I LOVE Africa. The bus driver came back to the bus around six in the morning to check in on the bus and found us sleeping there. He started talking to us and just asking us about what we were doing in Rwanda and then asked if we had a place to go shower and just freshen up. He offered to let us get ready in the hotel room that the bus company rents out for all the drivers/ conductors. We went. The bathroom was disgusting- it was obvious that only men lived there. The sink and the toilet were broken and just not taken care of at all. Victor and Thomas (our bus driver) went and got us water from the pump and a basin and we got to start our day fresh. He shared with us his life. That he has been driving buses for 8 years and he is from Kenya and that he hasn’t seen his family for over a year because he gets no leave of absence. I don’t know what we would have done without him, he took our bags and kept them at the bus office because he knew we weren’t getting picked up until later in the evening and that we were just going to do some site seeing. Best customer care service I had ever encountered. Porsche wanted to get some airtime for her cell phone so that we could call our host and let her know we had arrived safely. She had to work for the day so she was going to come get us when she got off. We went to the MTN phone store to buy a new SIM and we met some incredible young people and we told them what we were doing and we wanted some tips on where to go. They gave us a whole list filled with numbers just in case we got stuck anywhere and they gave us the prices of what things should cost. It was such a God send. Even though it was only like 10 am we had already met so many incredible people and I really don’t think we could have had any better help.
We headed over to the genocide museum. The resting place for 250,000 victims from the 1994 genocide in Kigali. It was very surreal and a very educational museum. Lots of artefacts and testimony of what happened and how it has affected people’s lives even up until today.  Clothing of people who were buried alive in, skulls with head trauma and bullet holes, and just story after story. There is one story that really sticks out in my mind. There was a big church in Kigali that many people were trying to hide and find refuge in and the pastor of the church was the one that gave the orders to a bulldozer outside to take down the church with all the people in it. Just the devastation that the genocide brought just goes beyond what my heart can reach. We walked through the childrens wing and it had photo after photo that family members had brought in and then a short bio about some of the children including their last words and how they were dead. Not only were these innocent people being killed but they were  tortured. Many people “hacked by machetes” It is just hard to imagine. Later that day we headed up to a big park called Juru Park that looked over all of Kigali. As we stood there we just imagined all the devastation that hit this place twenty years ago and what it would have been like to be standing up there when everything was going on.
That evening when we got to the home we were staying in we got to share our hearts and our vision with the family. John and Gladyis they both are pastors at a village church on the top of mount Kigali. They have four girls and then have taken in two young girls to be maids and to give them a small income at the end of each month. It felt like home immediately. Such a sweet family and it was a blessing to get to be a part of their lives and I cannot wait to go back soon!
We got to see a couple of local markets and just sight see around the city. It was a beautiful city. I am so thankful for the time I got there. I know that God is going to take me back to that place again sometime soon. Even though I love travelling and I love new experiences… I still love coming home to Uganda. I missed this place. I missed the people. The relationships I have with this team are just beyond words and I am so thankful for the family I have here. I know that God works all things together perfectly. I get to be a small part of that. I see the fruit that he is producing in people’s lives around me and it fills my heart with so much joy.
Please continue to pray for the work that the Lord is doing here. That his name would be praised in every aspect of this ministry. That we would be able to have uncontainable contentment. That we would seek God first for new joy every morning. To thank him for the little things. To find our strength in his arms and to die daily to ourselves.
***Also I think I am having allergies. I have these itchy red bumps all over accompanied with some sneezing that makes me feel like my head is going to pop. We are headed to the village this week. I am hopeful that it will clear up. 

The Tonny Kasozi story

Tonny Kasozi story

What were you doing when you were sixteen?  Most people are:  learning to drive, spending time with friends, late night study groups and just barley getting by in their classes, or getting their first job. Not for Tonny Kasozi, earlier in the summer of 2014, Tonny was diagnosed with stage four cancer. He is fighting for his life each day. His only belonging he keeps with him at the hospital is a small bible. Tonny’s faith keeps a smile on your face; he challenges you to be a better person. He is back and forth to the hospital getting injections of all kinds and is barely able to keep his food down.  His body is swollen, and he is very weak.  It all started in May when Tonny was beginning to feel sick. He was often falling sick and had signs of malaria accompanied with loss of appetite.  He would come home from school and go to sleep immediately and sleep until the morning. The feelings of sickness were on and off for two weeks and in that time his temperature was high but he felt very cold. Christine, of the sponsorship department, was living in the guesthouse at the time and was hearing all of this first hand from Tonny.  After two on June 23^rd she took him to Ray of Hope.  ROH treated Tonny for malaria and gave him some pain killers. The following day he was throwing up and came to Christine and told her that he needed to go to the hospital immediately.   When returning to Ray of Hope they referred them to go to Mulago as they were unsure what the cause was. Mulago is the largest hospital in Uganda and is used as a teaching hospital to the local university. When they got to Mulago Tonny was immediately admitted into the hospital. They took blood and stool samples and tested for malaria a second time. The doctors could not seem to find any problem so they referred us to the Kadic health hospital. While at Kadic they again took blood and stool samples and they gave him an injection to help cool the body temperature. The doctors recommended Ketoconazole (used to treat fungi infections) and Azithromycin (used to treat bacterial infections such as bronchitis and pneumonia). The paediatrician was not in at the time so they gave them an appointment for the following day with doctor Kiggundi. He went in for a cat scan and the results showed that the pain was coming from an enlarged spleen from riding his bike to and from school and that all he needed was time to heal. The Dr. suggested that we let nature run its course and we come back for a follow up appointment in two weeks. Not even a day later Tonny went to Christine and told her that things were getting worse and that he needed to be looked at again. Christine contacted Wilson to get the go ahead to take Tonny to The Surgery, the international hospital.  The 24^th they went to The Surgery and took many blood samples and tested for everything an also gave him an injection to cool his body. They tested for malaria, HIV, CBC, UTI, as well as blood and stool samples. The doctor didn’t find any results they gave him water drips and pain killers. Shortly after he began to swell, his face and stomach became enlarged. He rapidly began to lose weight and they began testing urine/blood/stool every hour. They also took another X-ray and cat scan and were still coming up with no results. The doctors wanted to just test the bone marrow as a last resort. Tonny was then sent to the KLM hospital to take his first of many bone marrow samples. The results came back showing that Tonny had leukaemia.  This is where he began his long journey at Mulago cancer institute.

24/09/2014

Tonight Edgar and I went to see Tonny I had picked up some Lucozade (an energy drink) and brought the big poster that had all the I <3 Tonny posters on it. He cracked a smile when he saw it. We got to the hospital and someone had just shut the door to his hospital room. It was late in the evening when we got to the hospital and it was so quiet, there was a sense of peace in that place that I had never experienced in my life before. As we made our way into his room there he was seated on the bed with his swollen legs hanging over the side of the bed. Tonny’s face was swollen and his oxygen tube was off to the side of his face so he wasn’t getting the correct amount of oxygen. He looked tired.  He didn’t even have the energy to fix the tube that was lop sided. Edgar immediately noticed it and sat next to his brother to fix the tube. As he was adjusting it Tonny closed his eyes. You could see the pain. His hands were no longer proportionate to the rest of his body size. It made him look giant like. Having these long skinny arms with these huge swollen hands. He had a bowl of food sitting next to him on the bed- he was struggling to eat. He was trying so hard to keep the food down. With his body rejecting all the food he was trying to eat he was having to decide to keep it down or let his body release it. I asked him how he was and he responded with ‘Not good’ just like every other time I asked him. I still asked no matter what though. I presented him with the I <3 Tonny poster and he smiled so big, but only for a moment because then the rest of his body caught up with him and he was no longer able to keep that smile. Edgar helped me put it up on his wall- right above his head so he could see it clearly. After we got it up Tonny layed down, turned to the wall, and fell asleep. That was our clue it was time to go home.

Thursday 25^th September 2014

Movie night! Edgar and I were so excited we brought my laptop and a pillow and all of my DVD’s so Tonny could pick whatever movie he wanted to. I had my backpack with me and I was totally stressing all I could think about was whether someone was going to try to steal it right from my back. I also threw a light coat in the backpack- my black zip up hoodie because I knew it always gets chilly. We always end up staying at the hospital past curfew and it gets cold. We took the pillow because Tonny needs to be eating while he is in a seated position but he cannot spend so much time sitting up.  We hopped into the taxi like every night before and it cost 2,000 shillings which is equal to 75 cents we take this taxi to Kyunga stage and then have to get a boda for the same amount of money up the road to the Mulago Cancer Institute. We walked up the hill and through the gate. It was dark outside already. This night was different we got dropped off at the opposite end of the hospital then where we usually get off. We walked through the hospital grounds and people sat all around. Some waiting for other patients, some sick that don’t have rooms, others sleeping all over the compound. Tonny’s room is the first door on the left. It is not up to (my) standard accommodation but it was also the best possible room for him to be in. Edgar knocked a few times and opened the door. We slowly went in- you could already hear all the women in the room welcoming their sweet Edgar in. After they saw my face Jaja, smiled and told me to hug her. I kneeled on the banana fiber mat and gave her a big hug. I greeted Tonny’s mom and auntie. Tonny was again sitting up on the bed, really struggling to breathe. The TV was going in the background- there was a bad reception but the sound kept coming in and out. The room was hot. And Tonny’s little half-sister who is 9 months old was sitting there crying. When I locked my eyes on his, he gave me a half smile and put his hand out to greet me. I held his hand for a long time and just said ‘Hi Tonny’ to which he replied ‘Hi Shan’. I asked him if he was ready for this movie night. He spoke between each big breathe of air and just simply said I am weak. He was unable to even hold a piece of paper. I sat on the mat with his Auntie and Jaja. Most everything was spoken in Luganda. I sat there and enjoyed just being there sitting in the presence of the Lord and thanking him for Tonny’s life. Sometimes I don’t understand the convictions that come from the Holy Spirit. I could only pick out a few of the Luganda words every now and then. Otherwise I just sat there. Edgar stood up at one point and I was able to pick out two phrases ‘Go buy with money’ and he wants fresh milk’ (in Luganda of course) Edgar stood up and walked down the road to but some mata (milk). As I sat there I just listened every once in a while making a face at the baby and then smiling at Tonny and just telling him how much that I love him and how much God loves him. When Edgar got back he sat next to Tonny opened the bag of milk, put a straw in it, and helped him drink whenever he wanted it. I am so encouraged by Edgar and how at 15 years old how mature and loving he is to Tonny. We sat there for a long time. Sometimes in silence, other times in laughter. Tonny at one point even made fun of the picture I put of myself on his wall… still ganging up on me even at the end of his sweet life. As we got up to say goodbye I sat on the edge of his bed and held his hand while Edgar sat on the other side and we prayed. I prayed that God would spare Tonny from this pain and that he would be healed in Jesus’ name. That he would continue to be a light to those around him and that he would always be reminded of what an impact he is to all those people whose photos are on that poster hanging on his wall. We thanked God for his never changing nature, for his new mercies every morning, and for his never ending love in our lives.  We left that night and as we walked down the road to catch our boda back to the taxi station- I just hugged Edgar. I told him how much Tonny loved and appreciated him. I also told him that if I ever end up in the hospital that he has to treat me with the same respect. (Ha!) I also said to him that I would give anything to take this pain away from him, that I would trade my health for his in a second. I would have done anything.

Early this morning on the 26^th of September Tonny went to be with the Lord.

Thank you Lord for letting me love Tonny. Before I even met him, I loved him. I always wondered why God let me love someone so much before I had even met them. God new that Tonny needed a helper and encourager. I spent a lot of time with that boy in these last two months and got to hear his heart for the Lord and be incredibly blessed by his faith. He loved and was loved wildly. I am so thankful for the time that I got to know Tonny Kasozi and my life will forever be touched for knowing him. He may be gone but he will NEVER be forgotten. I was reflecting back on some of the good memories we had. In between his chemo treatments Tonny got to stay here at the guesthouse and we had so much fun together. There is one memory that sticks out among the rest. It had rained so hard all day. He couldn’t eat pasta- when mixed with the meds he was taking it would upset his stomach. I was only ok with this because it meant I got to buy him dinner from the ghetto! The place no mzungus go. We were all wearing sandals because lets be real who wears tennis shoes in Africa? Tonny, Edgar, and I walked down the road to the blue gate that leads to the ghetto and we all were slipping all over the place the rainfall had created so much mud that we couldn’t even take two steps without slipping as we walked every time I felt myself beginning to slip I would put my hands out and he would just laugh. We got to the blue gate and there is a big trench that separates the road. I knew I was going to have to jump and I DID NOT want to. Edgar jumped right over with no problem but it was so dark that I couldn’t see my hands in front of my face- I finally got the courage and took the leap of faith with my eyes closed! Never had I ever seen someone laugh that hard. He was still weak and skinny but his point shoulders just moved up and down and he was laughing from his gut. As we walked into the ghetto I started talking to all the people I could. The boys just laughed. We even had one lady whose name was Shakira that asked Tonny and Edgar if she could come shake my hand. We went to a small shop and they bought for me juice with the little money they had.

I will see you soon Tonny. I love you.

Life is beautiful.

Last week in a recap. Monday was an office day so we spent our time in meetings and going back and forth from all the different departments. I recently joined the Planning, Managing, and Evaluating (PME) committee along with Porsche and Victor. We review the following weeks plan and look at any conflicts that may be in place. Mondays and Fridays are typically office days: Mondays are primarily used for planning and Fridays are used as an evaluation time. It is a very effective way to stay involved and to be a part of everything that is going on throughout the organization. Any way- Monday evening we have the special ladies bible study so we met with them. We are still working through Ruth. It has been SO much fun to get to know them since we have visited their houses the want to be so personable. They LOVE sharing with us what is going on in their lives and just how God is doing big things for them. I always walk away from that study so refreshed. Some women even bring friends now. I was semi flustered due to my lack of laptop. Porsche had moved out for a board meeting so our awesome MST’s were so willing to jump in and lead the group! I went to bed quickly Monday night.

On Tuesday the team went to Sanyu Babies home as I stayed back to have a meeting with the PME committee. After the meeting was over I had the rest of the morning off. So I decided to grab a taxi then a boda up to the Mulago cancer institute. I went to go see our sweet friend Tonny. I got to the hospital with Edgar and we just sat on the floor and just spent time just in silence some of the time. Edgar helped Tonny bathe and I sat with Jaja (grandma) and we just sat there and chatted. She is so good to me, everytime I am there wel always talk (even though there is a HUGE language barrier) about how fun it would be if we stayed together. How we would sit in the company of eachother and just have so much fun. She makes me so happy! I am so thankful she stays with Tonny all of the time. I came back to the house and got packed up to head to the village. We left at 2:00pm. When we arrived to the village we were able to get our tents set up pretty quickly. We went to individual homes so we could do some New Skills with them and teach them English. Alison (an 18 year old from Canada), Esther (MST Coordinator), and myself walked down the road to Mama Sunday’s home. As we walked children who had just been released from school would follow closely behind and let out a giggle every couple minutes. I would hear whispers of ‘Mzungu’ and ‘Muwala Wamusumba’. That place is home to me <3. We worked on several phrases like, “Go get a chair” and “Go brush your teeth” . Jeremy the new MST brought a ton of resources for teaching English so we had these HUGE flashcards with pictures of basic home essentials so we worked through a handful of those and then wrote it on her whiteboard so that her and her children can be working on the things we taught them during the week.

Wednesday I went over to the school, Empowered Leaders Academy (ELA) with Porsche and we met with the Bursar for the school to talk about registering a couple kids that a volunteer had left money for. I was also trying to find a way to get a uniform for my sponsored kiddo. I failed. The rest of the team were clearing a path and doing some manual labor. We had some personal ministry time but it was so hot that most of the volunteers found comfort in the shade of the trees around the church. I layed down in my tent for just a moment and woke up a few hours later all sticky! Wednesday evening we had the coolest most radical and loud praise rally. I am not even sure how long we sang- but it was beautiful. We sang until we ran out of songs and then we invited the kiddos to lead some praise songs. There was dancing, jumping, praying, laughing and it was a beautiful evening. During our devotions later in the evening we heard a boda pull up. It was Gaspar, He is a volunteer that has been helping out for a couple months here in Uganda and he is seriously one of my best friends, I am so thankful for him. He spent two weeks in South Sudan just spreading the word of God and visiting orphanages. We spent time catching up and going through every story and adventure he went on. We were so happy to have him back!

Thursday was another day of manual labor but again Porsche and I had a staff meeting with some of the teachers so we went over to take minutes for the meeting and just be another set of ears to listen. It was one of the longest meetings I have ever attended I am not quite sure how they do it but Ugandans like to talk about every detail of every subject. I feel quite knowledgeable of the education system we have in place. J IN the afternoon we headed home and got ready to go to the airport. It was a sad evening for EAC we lost a great volunteer. It is so exciting at the same time though because I know that God is going to use Gaspar in Hungary! He has so many plans for that boy. Porsche, Sandra, Victor, Patrick and I escorted him to the airport. The whole way there I kept asking him to stay and to just not get onto the airplane…he did.

On Friday we had an evaluation and planning meeting.

Saturday we went to see Tonny again. He was not as good today. He got up to take a shower. He is not very responsive. Edgar helped him bathe and then he came back to eat some food- A cup of tea and two boiled eggs as he began to eat the eggs he just quietly asked for a bucket in Luganda. Edgar brought him a bucket and he immediately began to throw up the little he had managed to eat. I would give anything to take this from him. I was just asked to make a small write up for how his sickness started so I feel even more connected to him and my heart just breaks into a million little pieces every time I think about it.

Sunday we went out to the village for church but the youth had left before we arrived to go minister to a neighboring church. I am so proud of them that they are going out and doing things on their own and not feeling like they have to wait for our lead!

On Monday we had so many meetings and just brainstormed new ideas for the coming months. In the evening Porsche and I were exhausted so we snuck away to the little café nearby the house and picked up some milkshakes to go. When we got back to the house we noticed our special ladies had arrived for bible study so we jumped right in. There were a handful of kiddos though that were being a distraction so I went and led a small group study with the kiddos. We sang some songs and read scripture and just had some fun times, we even invited the neighbour kiddos.

Today we had team bonding that I get the honor and pleasure of leading every week. We started with some praise and worship and then made a poster for Tonny. We spent some time in prayer for all of the sickness that has affected our team. I had everyone trace their hand onto the poster and then we wrote i<3Tonny on the paper and took a group photo it is going to be a part of a collage that we are putting together for them. Then we played a scavenger hunt. I cut up a piece of paper that had the word teamwork on it and then taped it all around the house and compound the team was divided into groups of three and they had to go searching based on clues that I made up for the places. After devotions Esther and I took the MST’s to the hospital. First stop? Tonny’s room of course. Last night in the middle of the night Tonny was having difficult time breathing so he began to pray out loud and then the doctors came in and gave him an oxygen tank. He is so swollen. In his stomach. Face and feet. He is very weak, he cannot even keep his head up. I presented him with the poster and then not long after that he laid down and went to sleep. No reaction. No communication. His heart races through his chest. I would give anything to have this hurt for him. This afternoon I have been working on his poster and spending some quality time with the great provider and just really seeking after His heart. <3

Heavy Hearted.

These last two weeks have been so challenging and has really made me grow in more ways than I had originally planned on growing. But that is how God works. Huh? He uses experiences and things that come up in our lives so that we will fully rely on Him in every aspect of our walk. Sometimes we have to endure certain things in order that Christ may be glorified. This week was exactly that.First of all I am going back to the old fashion way and using paper and pen for everything. I have had a glitch in my laptop and it has really been something that I have been struggling with. The not having it. It has become quite frustrating to accomplish the work in which I want to do. I constantly have to remind myself that it is just a thing. It is a thing that people have been working without for many years. But it sure makes the work lighter. My heart was being played with. We went to a place called Banda- right outside of the local university to get my computer “fixed” only to have sat there for 3 ½ hours to have windows 8 cleared of my laptop and no wifi capability left in sight. I sighed. I was ready to freak out. I am so thankful for our sweet team. They have been so helpful and encouraging and offer to let me use their laptops in my laptops absence. This is most likely the reason I have taken long to blog I was letting my heart settle down so it wouldn’t turn into a rant….oops. here we are. Ok. Moving forward. I am trying to think of what I even blogged about last time it is not even near the front of my head by any means…Ah yes the youth. How about we start from there- the youth are incredible and I am so thankful that I have has that opportunity to watch them grow just in these last two months. They have been so encouraging and I am grateful to be so close to them even with some of their ages, it is really like seeing good friends I always tell people when I have to wait a week in between to see them that it is like seeing one of your best friends and when we arrive in Zirobwe on Sundays I always go looking for them. This last week I had the privledge to share with the youth bible study. I shared about being the salt and light to the world. How it related to evangelism. And how it should look in our daily lives. We are so excited to see how God is going to use the youth- it is so beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We are still planning and inviting guest speakers and the like to be a part of our youth conference. (If you attend CRCC- I know you already know this and that you are praying for me because when my dad was on the stage on Sunday I was sitting in the front row on my sisters phone watching my dad talk about me and eating mango ice cream on the couch in the living room. Technology is so cool.) We know that everything that goes into planning this event will fall into place and we are hopeful for a big turn up! Last Sunday we picked a leadership team among the youth: Alex is the leader, Frank is the assistant, and Mastulah is our communications. We had all of the youth vote for our leadership team and the new spent time in prayer and just asking the Lord to lead these youth to exactly where we are supposed to be. Tonny, oh Tonny. My sweet boy. I am so thankful for this kid and wish you could all meet him. I feel like I have connected with him so well and he is really one of my great friends. Seriously don’t know what I would do without him. Tonny is 16 yrs. old. Earlier this summer he was diagnosed with lymphoid cancer- stage four. After his first round of chemo he got to come back to the EAC compound and he was doing well. He was able to walk about the compound, drink juice, make jokes, and just have regular conversation with you. After some time he would get a headache and make his way back to his room. I was determined to make him smile and get him anything he needed. We have pasta in the evenings for dinner and he is not supposed to eat it because it doesn’t mis well with his meds. So whenever it would be on the menu I would go get him whatever he wanted. Most of the time he just wanted local food. So Edgar and I would walk to the ghetto in the dark and get him some real food. There was one time we went after it had rained all day and it was so slippery but all three of us had gone. There is a trench that separates the ghetto to the main road (that is all muddy and slippery) and we had to jump across in the dark that I couldn’t already see I think I stood there for a solid three minutes before I took the leap of faith never have I ever seen Tonny laugh that hard. I thought he might break a bone because he has lost so much weight through this process that he seems so weak. It just makes me more passionate about going to see him and making sure that he is ok and purposing to go see him and make sure he is doing alright and just watching his face light up. He has such a great smile and when he is happy everyone in the room is happy. I know the Lord is going to do great things with this young man and this is only the beginning of his testimony. Anyway last week he headed back to the Mulago cancer institute so he can start his second round of chemo which is supposedly more intense. He has no appetite and is not able to  keep any food down. I asked him if it would be alright if I visited him and he was quick to assure me that I was most welcome. I asked him what I could bring for him and he said Lucozade (it is like a juice energy drink). Saturday we hooked him up with all the juice he could want, along with some potato chips, and candy. I also brought him a spiral notebook with a letter in it and asked him to be writing to me while he is there, I wrote some of my favourite bible verses in there and encouraged him to be reading it. If you would like to write to Tonny some sort of encouragement please email it to me shannengrace26@gmail.com and I will print it out along with a picture of you so that he can be blessed!! He would absolutely love that! At the moment he is struggling to even speak sometimes. Some days are good- and others are really hard for him. BUT to be honest I rarely even notice I am to thankful to see him breathing another breath and seeing him just be totally in love with Christ even through all the hardiships he is enduring. I don’t know why God is allowing this in Tonnys life but I do know that God has a master planned that is grander than anything that I could even imagine. I know that he is still good even through this.There is so much going on right now and I wish I had more time to write. It has been such an incredible blessing to be back, things are moving so fast.I just added another button onto my blog for one time donations which will go towards flights, bibles, hospital visits, among other things. If you are wanting to donate a one time gift of any size that will be such a blessing! Thank you so much for considering me. I am still short a couple of monthly sponsors. If this sounds interesting to you there is a link at the top of my blog on the right hand side! A gift of any size will help. Thank you so much.